Journal #1a - List of Things

Things I'm Afraid Of

• Bugs
• Darkness
• Heights
• Horror movies
• Pain
• Sickness

I’ve been afraid of the dark ever since I was a child, when my cousin took me to the movie Terminator 3. I kept having nightmares and whenever the lights went out, I would think that monsters would pop out of nowhere like in the movies. I always think that there would be a serial killer under my bed, on that would crawl out while I wasn’t looking and hide in the shadows, getting ready to kill me. That is also why I hate watching horror movies and shows. Whenever I watch things like that, I never forget the scary scenes and the haunting music.

Things I Would Die For

• The trust from the person I love the most in my life.
• Happiness. True happiness for that one person. Actual happiness.

He’s always telling me that I am the one who makes him the happiest even though I doubt he truly feels happy. I’m constantly hurting him with my senseless comments and my idiotic way of acting. I always try my best to make him happy. No matter what I do, I manage to hurt him. He tells me that it’s fine, that everyone is always hurting him. I don’t want to be one of those people. I don’t want to hurt him and be like the rest of them. I really want him to be truly and completely happy. If I have to, I would willingly die for whatever makes him truly and honestly happy.

Things I Am Passionate About

• Music
• Dance
• Health
• My love for him

He’s one of the most important figures in my life. He is one of the only people I truly do love and care for. There’s no way that I would give him up easily but if he wants something, I will give it to him. If he wants to leave me, I would let him. If he would want to have me disappear from his life, I will do it.

Things That Make Me Feel Peaceful

• A hug from him
• The beach
• The riverside
• Floating in the middle of a pool

Whenever I’m at the pool, I always have this one moment. I just float on my back, staring up at the ceiling of the indoor pool or up at the bright blue sky. If there were people there, I wouldn’t know. If there were nobody there, aside from the lifeguard, I wouldn’t know. Everything would just disappear. All of my problems and all of my thoughts would disappear. Even my ideas about life and death would go poof. Everything would just vanish. It would just be me, the water, and the sky/ceiling. Nothing else would be there, nothing else would exist. I would just close my eyes and savor the moment.

Things I Love To Eat

• Candy
• Ice cream
• Bread
• Pasta

Although I am Chinese and eat traditional Chinese dinners every single night, I still love foreign foods such as pasta. Traditional Chinese foods make me sick now because there just isn’t much of a variation. Pasta can be made in so many different ways. Spaghetti with meatballs and tomato sauce is a yummy and nutritious dish. Ravioli makes a good comfort food and also fills me up easily. Macaroni and cheese is… cheesy? In contrast to these delicious dishes, Chinese tradition would be white rice and pan-fried vegetables every single night. That’s really no fun at all.

Thins That I Love Doing

• Listening to music
• Writing
• Talking to him
• Watching anime
• Reading manga

I love to write because many of the things that I write reflect the way I think and also what I think about. Sometimes, I would write about my real life and my daily events and occurrences. Those go in my diary at night. I also write about alternative lives that I would think about, lives in parallel worlds where everything would be different. Those go anywhere, on any piece of paper I can find. I just love writing in general. Those were just examples of what I tend to write.

Things I Hate Listening To

• The ongoing lectures from my parents
• My mother's voice
• Music where the vocalist only screams

Though it is considered music, I don’t understand the point. The yelling always gives me a headache. Also, the screaming distracts me from being able to hear the lyrics. When I look up the lyrics and notice how beautifully they are written, I get mad. I would always look at them and wonder; “why not just sing it?” really, why complicate things?

Things That Anger Me

• My mother
• Poverty
• Myself
• Questions regarding the truth about something

All my life, I’ve been questioned for the truth. All my life, people have asked me if something was true or not. When I answer, they don’t believe me. Even if it’s the truth that I speak of, they still do not believe me. Now, whenever someone asks me is something is true, rumor or whatnot, I give no answer and just angrily stomp away, arms folded across my chest.

Things I Hate In General

• When my sister steals my clothes
• Hypocrites
• Losing things important to me

Whenever I look into my closet and expect something to e there, waiting for me to wear, then find that it’s missing, it is the worst feeling I get sometimes. When I ask my sister whether or not she had seen it, she tells me “no.” the next day, I would see her come home wearing it. When I confront her, she tells me that she found it in her closet. My mother would always take her side instead of mine, even when she knows that whatever my sister is wearing belongs to me. My sister is always telling that my clothes are ugly, that her clothes are a thousand times better than mine. Next thing you know, I want to wear her boots for a day. Of course, I go and ask her if I can borrow them. The answer I get would be a loud, rude “no.” so basically, that girl can wear my clothes and get away with it without asking if she can wear it while I cannot wear any of her clothes or shoes just because she said that I can’t.

Things I Should Never Had Done

• Lie to him
• Buy so many journals
• Connected with my parents

He’s the only one capable of loving a person like me. He’s the only person who would trust me so much. He’s the only one I would trust so much. He’s the only one I would love to such an extent. He’s such a nice person and he has such a pure and innocent mentality in a certain way. By lying to him, I think I broke his heart. I regret it so much, I hate myself for it.